This post is NSFW! Do not read if you're under 18!
So anyways. The fsn h scenes, right? Legendarily bad, proud owners of bangers such as "her freshly boiled pussy," the worst porn known to man... or are they really? Here's my complete review of each sex scene.
Fate route h-scene #1: The Threesome
The first sex scene of the entire game is one that happens right after Archer’s brutal murder. The tl;dr of it is that everyone just got their shit wrecked by Hercules and Saber is super low on mana, so time for some good ol ~Mana transfer~ (that means banging her brain out.) Because Shirou is supremely bad at topping Rin has to make out with Saber and discovers that she’s bi as hell, which, good for her. This scene is the source of the legendary “Saber’s freshly-boiled pussy,” as well as various stuff such as “my grotesque member” “our meat” ect ect.
So, how bad is this scene?
Well… honestly not that much! Fsn’s sex scenes are so widely clowned on I came in expecting a trainwreck, but this one is just… mediocre. A 6/10. I have seen way worse in 2002-era lemons on the pokemon tag on ffnet. It has some really stupid and unsexy turns of phrases (for the love of god stop using clinical words like “penis” or “vagina” it’s a cock just call it a cock, strong opinions on porn on versegl dot tumblr dot com) but if you rewrote these you would have something pretty decent. The mana transfer is as good an excuse as any to have a sex scene in your plot, the characters are somewhat themselves (I can 100% believe Shirou to be a repressed bitch when it comes to sex AND I can believe that Rin not only talks dirty but talks dirty terribly) and it gets extra points from me for being somewhat original at least. I was expecting some missionary shit not right off the bat “bisexual threesome focused not on you the reader but on Saber because everyone loves Saber you want Saber to have a good time.” I do wish they did a bit more with Saber (she was married in life! Shouldn’t that come into play? There’s also the whole Mordred thing! Doesn’t that impact her views on sex?) but whatever man “Saber sees herself as a tool and therefore wants to jump straight into it with no foreplay” yeah sure that works too ig.
Unfortunately I will still rec the sfw version more than the threesome because “Shirou gets eaten alive and repeatedly impaled by a starving dragon” fucking rules.
Fate route h-scene #2: Giving Head
Okay full disclaimer that I haven’t read this specific scene since I played the Fate route for the first time, so like… two years ago. From what I remember, Saber and Shirou have a really sweet conversation on their relationship and who they are ect ect, before concluding that we need some extra mana for the next battle so drop them pants boyo.
I remember thinking that this one was nice! Nothing groundbreaking, but there’s less awkward wording than in the previous scene, you got some cut relationship development, if you want vanilla porn of Saber this scene is for you. Well I mean I can direct you to better doujins than this scene but it does its work. I remember it being some sort of “let’s indulge in one night of intimacy before we go back to being fundamentally opposed by our ideal” deal and I liked that. This scene is pretty okay!
UBW route h-scene: This fucking sucks.
“The gang has awful first-time sex because they’re both inexperienced and Rin is too prideful to do things properly” is an ok concept ig but if you want me to believe they somehow manage to cum together like this that’s just bad writing. This was fucking painful to read. I know ubw Shirou is the Shirou who wants to save people’s lives and doesn’t care if they lose a limb on the way but god DAMN you really trying to make me believe Shirou wouldn’t stop and insist on having some more foreplay in the face of this fucking trainwreck. THIS PISSES ME OFF SO HARD like this was the PRIME opportunity to have Shirou call out Rin on her pride and own issues like “by refusing to be vulnerable with everyone else you’re just hurting everyone including yourself” which is something the ubw route really needed, but also that ties back to a wider issue I have with the ubw route which is that the rin romance fucking sucks. Even while drilling Rin into the mattress Shirou still calls her “Tohsaka-san” I’m sorry I don’t buy that these two are meant to be a thing even as a friend with benefits thing this fucking sucks. Sorry I’m being a bit incoherent right now but that scene angers me so much it fucking SUCKS.
Anyways the sfw version actually has Shirou learning some stuff about Rin AND it mentions that to Rin inheriting the family crest was like suddenly having disgusting insect limb in her own flesh and it rules. Read that one instead.
HF route h-scene #1: Rider time
A friend of mine once described Nasu writing porn as “Nasu being a gore writer trying to apply the same logic to porn.” Usually it results to stuff that is awkward at best and cringe-worthy at worst.
That is not the case in Heaven’s Feel. In Heaven’s Feel it fucking SLAPS. “I ejaculated half my organs” would be stupid as hell in any other scenario, but in the context that Medusa is currently feeding on Shirou it’s great actually! Yeah it’s an unsexy and horrifying metaphor, because this is an unsexy and horrifying scene! You are MEANT to be uncomfortable! It’s not a pleasurable intimate moment between two loved ones, it’s a nightmare scenario where Shirou is being made into food. It fucking rules. I loved it.
HF ROUTE h-scenes #2 and probably more idk: the Sakura scenes
I actually really like the Sakura scenes for similar reasons why I like the Rider scene: they’re uncomfortable. Shirou keeps having flashes of The Shadow (something bad) in the middle of having sex (something that should be good and pleasurable.) Shirou keeps having violent and horrible urges during an act that should be soft and tender (see again dichotomy of “this should be good, but it’s not.) All while making it clear that they’re two characters who do like and care for one another. It rules!! You are in a horror story. You’re not playing a cute romcom that ends in fulfilling sex, you’re playing a horror story and the plot will not pause just so you can whip your dick out. There is something Wrong With You and something Even More Wrong with your gf and it impacts every single aspect of your life which happens to include sex. You’re not getting out of it the narrative will not stop so you the reader can have a nice time there is something terrible haunting these people and you WILL feel uncomfortable even in a scene that involves two consenting and loving partners.
Also on a personal note I am sick to death of the trope of "female character acts likes she doesn’t want/like sex/like sex is something humiliating to her” or whatever and seeing Sakura come in like “I know exactly what I want are you interested by any chance” was a breath of fresh air. Go girl get that dick and some agency over your sex life and something good in your life for once, god fucking bless.
Also the sfw sex scene is also really good (it features Sakura drinking blood) but they achieve a different effect than the sex scenes. Not a worse one (I personally like them both) but while usually I say “the sex scenes are cool but the sfw scenes have equal or superior narrative value imo” here I think they’re both interesting to see.
Anyways congrats to Rin for having a sex scenes in every route and having the one in her own route be the worst one.
Also no one asked but I also have strong opinions on the fha eclipse scenes so here are some more thoughts:
Saber fha scene:
That was boring as hell. Glad to know that Saber is canonically confident enough to just waltz in and see if you’re dtf, but I could have swapped their names with any other blorbo during the scene and it wouldn’t have changed a thing. This sucks.
Rin fha scene:
This one is fucking hilarious. Regardless of actual quality I always appreciate when a scene takes advantage of its setting and while that was certainly a weird flex I applaud it nonetheless. “Our first time fucking sucked can we do better” cracked me up. As for the actual sex scene idk it’s very much not my thing but it was okay. They were in character during the whole scene, which is good in general (because if I read porn of my blorbos it’s to see my blorbos fucking and not just puppets named after my blorbos) and bad for me specifically (I don’t like their dynamic when it’s played romantically) but generally speaking it works.
Sakura fha scene:
I cannot FUCKING believe this game would make me cry right before a sex scene. Top ten scenes that fucking kill you once you’ve played HF normal end. Anyways the leading to the sex scene is really wholesome it has some good character interaction it’s cool. The actual scene is pretty cute and they hold hands and really that’s all I ask.
Rider fha sex scene:
Remember when I said that I appreciate when porn takes advantage of its setting, regardless of actual quality? BOY am I fed on this one. Rider uses her noble phantasm on Shirou. Shirou traces the mirror of kisibis to flip over Rider. They explore Rider’s feelings re: Shirou and Sakura. I can’t judge this one objectively there’s so much going on. When I started reading it I thought “well that’s kinda boring” but it upped its game SO hard. It’s weird as fuck I love it this is exactly the kind of weird shit I like to see in porn.